"Jojo's Bizarre Adventure: All Star Battle" Review

Warning: You will probably have no clue what I'm talking about in this post. I also go full weeaboo, so beware of that

Have I ever mentioned my unhealthy obsession for the series Jojo's Bizarre Adventure? Because I think I may be too attached to this series. Ever since I watched all of the anime on a totally legal video website, I can't help myself from posing fabulously during the day, or making some reference that no one will understand. It's consumed my entire being, and there's nothing I can do about it. So one day, I decided to order the PS3 game online to see if it was any good. I had my hopes really high, I could make DIO from Part 1 fight his older self from Part 3! I could make Josuke from Part 4 get pissed about his hair! I could make Jojo from Part 2 predict the next line of any of the other characters in game! It was like a dream come true for me, I could finally live out my stupidest Jojo related fantasies in this game! I borrowed my cousin's boyfriend's PS3 just so I could play this one game. How was the game, you may ask? It's OK.

The game is a fighting game, and fairly "Meh" one at that. Maybe it's just that I'm not used to 3D fighting games, or that I'm not used to the PS3 controller for fighting games. The combat itself also felt really slow, but then again it may have been my unfamiliarity with the poopy PS3 controller I had. I mean, the game itself was fun to play once I had gotten used to it, but it's nothing compared to the Arcade Game that came out back in the day. Either way, I had a week to play the game until I had to return the PS3, so I might as well make the most with what I had! After all, I could still play as DIO and beat the shit out of everyone in Arcade mode! Time to go and pick DIO, my man-

The game's starting roster

...Where the hell is DIO?

And now we come to the biggest problem in the game: You have to unlock characters! It's a fairly common thing to have to unlock characters in fighting games, but if you look up there, over half of the roster needs to be unlocked! I would understand having a few unlockable characters, but not most of the gosh dang roster! If I were to bring this game over to a friend's house to play it, we'd either have to waste out time unlocking some characters, or just deal with the 14 starting characters. DIO isn't even a starting character. You know, DIO, arguably the most iconic Jojo character! No, in order to unlock DIO, you have to play through a Story Mode. A really, really crappy story mode. The story mode has you fighting characters and playing through the of a certain part of the game, as you probably expected. Here are the problems with story mode:

1. The game is missing some key playable characters from the series, so the story feels empty

2. You only play one stage for each of the volumes for story mode. You'll be fighting Kakyoin for the first time in Cairo, where the final battle took place. Because that makes sense.

3. It's so boooring. I just want to play as DIO, let me play as DIO!

The worst part is I didn't unlock any of the characters past Part 3. I've only read up until halfway through Part 4, so I didn't want to spoil the rest of the series by playing through the crappy story mode. I ended up just playing story mode for 2 hours to unlock everyone just so I could have fun playing the game, and by the time I did unlock some of the characters, I didn't want to play the game anymore! I ended up so bored playing through the awful story mode that I just kind of gave up on the game. Now that I don't have the PS3 I borrowed, I regret not trying some of the other characters from later parts. I was so busy with unlocking characters that I forgot to have fun playing the game. Now I don't have the PS3 with me, and I can't play the game. At least the box would look good on display, it can show off that I'm a total Jojo nerd, even though I've mostly just watched the anime, because I'm a filthy scrublord who hasn't read the manga.

And with that, I end my stupid rambling. Oops, I'm a total weeaboo about Jojo, have fun sending a lynch mob to my house. At least someone will be coming over to visit. Curse you, lonely summers. I just want a hug.